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Chủ đề: Jokes

  1. #1
    HUT's Master Avatar của sonnvl
    Tham gia ngày
    Feb 2003
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    Icon10 Jokes

    Pretty Pussy

    Hank Smith gets home from work one day and finds his wife has been crying. "What's wrong?" he asks.

    "John, promise you won't get mad, but I went to see the new doctor today and he told me I've got a pretty pussy."

    "WHAT?" he shouts. With that he grabs a baseball bat from the cupboard and storms down to the doctor's office and through the reception area.

    Without knocking he bursts into the doctor's office. The doctor is in the process of giving an old lady a breast examination. She screams and tries to cover herself. Without waiting, Mr. Smith charges up to the doctor, smashes the baseball bat down on the desk and says, "You flaming pervert how dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!"

    The doctor replies, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith, but there has been a misunderstanding. I only told your wife that she has Acute Angina."

  2. #2
    HUT's Master Avatar của sonnvl
    Tham gia ngày
    Feb 2003
    Bài gửi

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    Work or Welfare

    A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check. He
    marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just
    HATE coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd really
    much rather have a job".The social worker behind the counter says,
    "Your timing is excellent.We just got a job opening from a very
    wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac
    daughter." "You'll have todrive around in his Mercedes, but he'll
    supply all of your clothes.Because of the long hours, meals will be
    provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday
    trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The
    starting salary is $200,000 a year.

    "The guy says, "You're bull****ting me!"

    The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

  3. #3
    HUT's Master Avatar của sonnvl
    Tham gia ngày
    Feb 2003
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    First Baby

    A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

    "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

    "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

  4. #4
    HUT's Master Avatar của sonnvl
    Tham gia ngày
    Feb 2003
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    Men vs. Women

    RELATIONSHIPS: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends. Then she will write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots' and get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, 'I just called to let you know you ruined my life… I'll never forgive you… I hate you… you're a total floozy. ..but, I want you to know that there's always a chance for us.'

    LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about their experiences with women.

    MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

    BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man wouldn’t be able to identify most of the items.

    GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on The Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or- less lane.

    CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men hiss at them.

    OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

    DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

    LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old American sitcoms.

    MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction...he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

    TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, Graphic equalizers, Video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six 'D' batteries to operate.

    JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone.

    TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

    FRIENDS: Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are 'Pass the Doritos' or “Got anymore beer?'

    RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, 'Hey, Tom, I was just about to use the “little boys” room. Do you want to join me?'

  5. #5
    HUT's Master Avatar của sonnvl
    Tham gia ngày
    Feb 2003
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    Bill Gates in Hell

    Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.
    Satan greets him: “Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.”

    Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

    Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, “I'll take this option.”

    “Fine,” says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

    “That was Bill Gates!” cried Lucifer. “Why did you give him the best place of all!”

    “That's what everyone thinks,” snickered Satan. “The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't...”

    “What about the PC?”

    “It's got Windows 95!” laughed Satan. “And it's missing three keys.”

    “Which three?”

    “Control, Alt and Delete.”

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